October 9th, 2020 - COOM

Whenever I jack off I sacrifice all the deep interpersonal connections I have with other human beings for a little escape from reality, which turns out to do nothing but to just hide my problems for a few moments and then make them worse. Curiousity and an urge for excitement turn into self hatred, irrationality, and low to nonexistant self control. I can't believe earlier today I've hugged my grandmother. I've told my darling little sisters I love them. And now I do this. I want to finally not have to remind myself that no matter the hardships, no matter the feelings and no matter my recent achievements or lack thereof - it is never justifiable for me to jack off in any way. It is never justifiable for me to watch pornography in any way. It is never justifiable for meto think about pornographic fantasies and scenarios in your head. Not because of any religious reason or anything beyond me, but simply because of the fact that I've brought myself to the point where I'm no longer myself when I get into the mindset of masturbating. I am an addict. These acts make me delusional - they make me forget myself to such an extent that I forget my goals and hopes and throw my dreams out of the window. I am a coomer. It'll probably take about a month before I even begin to get back to being myself, probably a year or two until I finish getting back to being my true self. The best thing I can do is start. I want to make not masturbating an unwritten rule to live by, to ingrain it so deeply I wouldn't even have to think about it, to stick to my plans, to remember goals. Slow and steady pays off for the long term.