October 25th, 2020

Apparently I've gotten my first Email exactly one week ago!!! It was from a jane doe (no capital letters in the beginning), and he / she says they like the way I expres myself, and also attached Idubbbz's "hey, that's pretty good!" video. Made me feel touched, not gonna lie.

Warning: this article is very graphical in detail and very, very fucked up, and also borderline paedophilic. There'll probably be at least one paedophile jacking off to this sick shit. Oh well. This shit will convince you that if there's a hell below, there's no doubt I'm gonna go.

Originally I'd written on the homepage that I've been turned on by women being hit with pies in their faces before I've even discovered regular pornography, but now that I've finally sat down and really dug deep into the memories of my first encounters with pornography, I've realised it's not true.

During kindergarten, I was a very popular kid; very talkative, very spontaneous and very much a "people person." I was about five years old when I went into our storage room, where the snack cupboard was, to get something to eat. At that point in time my mother was having a baby, my little sister, and looking around the storage room I found the packaging of a breast pump. The breast pump wasn't in it, it was just an empty cardboard box, but on its back was a small photograph of a woman using a breast pump - her chest was exposed, onto her nipple was clinging the pump, and she was gently holding her breast with one of her hands, kinda like this photo (WARNING, NSFW!!!). Man, I was blown out of my fucking five year old mind. Nobody else was home. I was standing alone in our storage room, staring at this image of a lady's breast being sucked by this machine, and I couldn't stop. It's not that I didn't understand the picture - it was a woman pumping milk from her breast, I've seen my mom do it hundreds of times and never given it any thought, but seeing this unknown, faceless lady having her tit sucked made me feel so strange I couldn't get enough of it. I've taken the box to my room, sat on my bed and kept staring at it. After a while I set the box aside, went ahead and brought a pair of scissors and cut out the picture. I've returned the box carefully to where it was, hoping nobody would notice, and put the picture in one of my personal drawers, where I thought nobody would find it. Every now and then I would pull out that picture and stare at it. I kept studying the lady's breast over and over - its skin texture, how firm and rounded it was, speculate how the nipple would actually look, as it was distorted by the pump's translucent plastic, wonder what it would feel like to touch, etc.

It was also around that time that I've gotten my first computer. Got it second hand from my neighbors after they purchased a new one. It was around the time Google's popularity exploded, and I've soon found out about it too. Eventually I've connected the dots, and decided to see if I could maybe find some more photos of breasts using that Google thing. From that point onwards the image was rendered obsolete - through Google I could find images of breasts of all sizes, shapes and colors. Then I moved on to searching for women's entire naked bodies, staring and studying every detail. Every new woman electrified me. I wasn't even fully capable yet of being hard, let alone produce sperm, but I did notice it made my peepee feel weird. I began looking at videos. I've watched a few videos of men with women in the beginning, but I've interpreted their horny, turned on facial expressions as rough and angry, and I didn't like that, so instead I searched for videos of women alone playing with themselves and exposing their bodies - spreading their ass, spreading their pussy lips, playing with their breasts, and so forth. I was hooked. Those videos of women exposing themselves and showing different parts of their bodies were like nothing I've ever seen. The sensation I'd get watching them was unlike anything I've ever felt before.

I then got into preschool, being five to six years old. I was still very talkative and friendly and socialised, but suddenly I began looking at girls in a different way. I didn't communicate in any way with all of those women online. They just existed, were butt naked, and were video taped playing with their bodies, exposing themselves. I began doing the same with the girls at preschool, taking what George Carlin termed "show me your peepee and I'll show you mine" to a whole new level. It was probably because of how socially adept I was that I've somehow managed to get pretty much all the girls in preschool to strip down, show me around their body, let me touch them, have them touch me, so on and so forth, all at my command. Surprisingly, none of the girls complained or reported my behavior. At all. They actually really got into it. It makes me cringe so hard now, thinking that I've probably single handedly made all of those poor girls into a bunch of sex-crazed freaks. This became a ritual of mine. Whenever my mother would invite one of her girlfriends over to the house and have her bring her daughter, or whenever a friend or a cousin of mine had a birthday party and I would meet a girl I haven't met before, I would talk to them throughout the evening, make them feel comfortable around me, and later on I would get the both of us to some place with fewer people, and somehow suggest that she shows me her body and I show her mine, and then we would both touch each other, kiss each other, rub each other, etc. I even recall one time of me doing this with a twelve year old girl - A GIRL TWICE MY FUCKING AGE!!! How I went about even asking girls to do these things, let alone actually convincing them to do so, WITH A LITERAL FUCKING 100% SUCCESS RATE is a mystery to me.

This is what I would think about immediately upon seeing a girl I haven't met before. I wouldn't see her as anything more than an object. A new body to explore. Her personality being a mere obstacle to the real thing. Being about six years old I got into first grade. My obsession with the female body was beginning to affect my personality. I was still very sociable, and carried on my shenanigans until about second grade. My confidence was beginning to deteriorate. I was becoming less talkative. For the first time I would get uncomfortable, start stressing over what the other kids think of me. For the first time my tried and proven tricks would begin to fail. I became more alone, more quiet, I began overthinking things. No longer would I be able to get any girl to show me her body, and there were probably no girls at all whom I would talk to regularly, but still I kept viewing them as objects, as bodies to explore, as a means to satisfy my desires. All because of a fucking breast pump. I've gotten more quite, more insecure, more shameful, more "socially autistic," and in third grade, nine years of age, my transformation was complete, and I was a complete social outcast, not knowing how I'm supposed to talk to girls, but going to the internet almost every day to see another woman naked, doing stuff to herself. Eventually I've also discovered I get a kick out of seeing women get hit with pies in their faces, but that's a story for another day.

Nowadays I to work very hard to try to reverse this. I have a few lady friends whom I talk to regularly, and I really like them and want to keep being friends with them. I still think about them sexually sometimes, and that's something I'm trying to curb and work on. At the moment I've managed to get it down to only having romantic fantasies now and then about me and them cuddling, me saying cheesy Disney tier romantic boyfriend stuff to them, us dancing together, etc. Pretty gay, but it's a step forward. It's been a long road, and I'm still very much a coomer - whenever I go out running, for example, and I see a girl with tight yoga pants I immediately stare at her thighs - but naturally I wouldn't instantaneously be able to undo years and years of programming myself with pornography.

If only you ask, an average nofapper would happily chant for you a variety of reasons for masturbation being bad, both proven and broscience - dopamine circuitry, shrinking your hypothalamus, killing love, lowering testosterone, harming women, etc - but I feel that not much people acknowledge just how much extensive use of pornography can alter and damage your psychological development, your sexuality and even your entire personality and perception of reality. My journey may be an extreme example, but even subtler experiences can probably lead to similar results. Volume matters more than intensity. If you consume pornography for a long period of time as a child, it will program you to view women as porn actresses and mere instruments to get pleasure out of. You wouldn't know how to talk to them properly, and since half of all people are women, you would simply not be able to properly communicate with about half of the people you'll meet (very highly generalised, I know, I'm just trying to prove a point). Moreover, you seeing other people communicate and actually enjoy and have a good time socialising with women, without any nudity or depravity, will make you bitter and confused. You want to do the same, you want to laugh and have fun with girls too, because women really are fun to be around, but you just can't, and for the life of you you just can't figure out why. Dare I say this is the source (or at least one of the major origins) of all inceldom.

Nofappers focus so much on ridding yourself of this "habit" so fast, they don't even think about how they got to this point in the first place. What I hope you take from all this is that children shouldn't be exposed to internet pornography in any way. I've read somewhere that children are naturally curious about this sort of stuff and would eventually "begin explore each other's bodies," but with access to high speed internet it is possible to see hundreds and thousands of women do all kinds of unimaginable things without even interacting with them, which seems to me like the perfect recipe for becoming a sexual deviant not capable of communicating with women for any other purpose, as opposed to "playing around" with girls at your age, actually communicating with them and not seeing them as sex machines, objects and bodies to explore. Also, since it would spike their dopamine receptors, it will take significant time of their lives as they, being children, don't have enough self control at that age (which is why you wouldn't want, for instance, to give them infinite amounts of candy). If you're attempting to do nofap, I'd suggest that you take a deep trip into your darkest memories, your childhood, your early sexual experiences, and try to figure out how exactly you became a coomer in the first place.